


Forgive is a Strong Word

by sock_drawer



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Forgiveness, Gen, Hallucinations, Hospitals, Mental Health Issues, Morally Ambiguous Character, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Regret, Sad, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29291919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sock_drawer/pseuds/sock_drawer
Summary: After the events of V3, Saihara is forced to live with the events that transpired in the game. Will Saihara find it in his heart to forgive Shirogane?[ V3 SPOILERS ]
Relationships: Harukawa Maki & Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	Forgive is a Strong Word

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because i like to be sad so i hope you like it

Snowflakes flutter down onto the streets, swirling around and melting on the concrete. The atmosphere perfectly reflects the emptiness in Saihara’s heart. Aimless thoughts swirl into his mind and leave his brain the moment they land.   
His breath vaporizes in the air as he inhales the cold air. 

“Saihara?” Harukawa calls from the doorway of the balcony. 

“Yeah, sorry.” He says, as he stood up to go back into the cold apartment. It didn’t really matter if he was in the apartment or the balcony. It was always cold regardless.

The apartment Saihara, Harukawa and Yumeno shared was trashed. It’s not helpful to have three self loathing people in one apartment. There’s never anyone to clean up. Takeout containers are piled up near the sink and cups of half drank coffee were near the trash can. It’s a miracle they haven’t gotten kicked out yet with the state they keep the place. 

“Saihara.” Harukawa says, spotting him staring at the kitchen.

“What?” He says, spinning around. 

“Shirogane-san is taking visitors now.” Harukawa reminds him.

“And so? Keep her fifty feet away from me.” 

“She’s just as much as a victim in this as the rest of us.” 

“She’s the ringleader. I don’t want to see her again.” 

“You’re going to have to confront her someday.”

“And if I don’t want to?” 

“Not an option.”

Saihara sighs and slams the door to his room. The last thing he wanted to see right now was Shirogane’s face. If he ever did he might bash it in. His back slammed against the wooden door and he slumped down until his shoulders were pressed against his knees and his hands were rifling through his hair. For some reason this brought him some sort of comfort. 

Saihara hated Shirogane with every fiber of his being. He hated her for everything she stood for. He hated Team Danganronpa and he never wanted to be associated with it ever again. That company caused him more emotional trauma than anything else. He never wanted to see anything having to do with Team Danganronpa ever again. 

He could never understand how Harukawa and Yumeno could see past the fact that Shirogane was involved in the Killing Game. 

(stop calling it a game. it was never a game. taking people’s lives is not a game.)

Harukawa seemed to somehow care for Shirogane, and Yumeno was always cheerful towards people. She just had a natural cheery disposition. Harukawa thought that Shirogane was a victim just like Saihara and her. She wasn’t though. Shirogane purposefully took part in Season 53. Saihara could never see her as a victim when she knew the extent of what she was doing. 

———

“Goddamn it!” Saihara screamed. It was the fifth time this week the laundry machine malfunctioned. The stupid machine wouldn’t turn on.

“Work!” He said as he shook the washer holding onto the edges.

“Need some help with that?” A familiar voice sent a chill down Saihara’s spine. He gripped harder to the edge of the machine. 

It couldn’t be. “Aka- Akamatsu?” He said as he slowly turned around. Behind him was the closed door to the laundry room. There was nobody there besides him. 

“I must be losing my mind.” Saihara said as he turned back to the machine, still attempting to get it running.

———

Saihara dropped the light basket onto the hard tile, causing clothes to fly out and land on the floor. 

“Saihara!” Harukawa shot daggers with her gaze, whipping around to see Saihara standing in the doorway with the laundry, still dirty, scattered on the floor. “Stop throwing things wherever you please! Where are you going?!”

“Clean it up yourself.” The door to Saihara’s room slammed shut with a loud thump, probably waking up the people downstairs.

Saihara grabbed his phone to see a text from none other than Shirogane.

“i know i’m the last person you want to see right now but can you see me tomorrow?”

Damn right. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. Why should he give his time to her? He had better things to be doing anyways. Like… like… apologizing to Harukawa.

———

Harukawa was in the kitchen doing the dishes, half staring off into space.

“Harukawa.” Saihara said before her. “I’m sorry I forced you to clean up my mess.”

“When do I ever not do that?!” She replied sarcastically, still not looking away from the sink. 

“Listen, I’m just trying to be nice. I’ve had a bad day and-“

“Oh you had a bad day? Tell me about it.” She snaps, her tone suddenly harsh. “It’s always ‘Harukawa do this’ and ‘Harukawa do that’, I can never catch a break with you people. You’re insufferable! Don’t you ever think to yourself that maybe, just once, you could make yourself useful?! Just for once?! I’m sick of being the only person doing anything around here!” She replied, throwing the rag she was holding down.

“You’re not the only one suffering! Yumeno and I are trying. You don’t have to be the sole caretaker. I don’t need a caretaker! I’m 25 for God’s sake! I don’t want a babysitter, I want a friend!” Shuichi retorts, matching her tone. 

“I don’t want to be your friend.” She says, looking away from Saihara.

“Harumaki-“ Shuichi begins, before stopping seeing Harukawa’s shocked reaction.

She pauses for a second in shock, as they stare at each other before she breaks the silence. “Don’t ever call me that.” She says before storming off to her room. Saihara can hear the slam of her back hitting the door as she slumps down on the floor.

———

Saihara sits on the opposite side of Harukawa’s door, knowing that she’s on the other side. He’s thumbs overlap each other as he fidgets, trying to think of the right words to say. He wants to say a million things. It’s difficult to find the right words.

“Listen, Harukawa. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have dropped my laundry on the floor. I shouldn’t have done a lot of things.” He chuckles to himself. “But the truth is we’re in this together. We need each other. You. Me. Yumeno. We’re going through the same thing and we know what each other is going through. I know how you feel. I know that you feel like you’re by yourself. I promise you’re not. I’m not going to leave you. I just want you to know I care for you.” He stops there. Truth is, Saihara wants to say so much more. He feels like he could go on and on forever. 

Saihara wanted some sort of response. Maybe a thank you, maybe she could open the door. Anything would be good at this point. Instead he gets nothing. Not a single word nor action comes from the other side of the door. Maybe it’s for the better.

Saihara stands up and brushes his pants off. Who knows what’s been on this floor. As he’s about to turn away he hears the lock click on the door. Harukawa bursts the door open and embraces Saihara. Not knowing what to do, he just places his hands on her back, wanting to hold onto this moment. 

“I know.” Harukawa buries her face in his chest, wet tears seeping through his collared shirt. “I know you’re here for me. You and Yumeno. Things just get overwhelming sometimes. Everything is overwhelming. I don’t want to feel alone. I can’t help it. I… I…” she says in between sobs. 

Saihara plays with her hair, wanting to calm her down. He’s never been one for comforting people. Unexpectedly, Harukawa pulls away from the embrace. 

“I’m going to get a drink.” She says, grabbing her coat on the way out, not looking back. She did this occasionally. Not because she was mad or anything, just to bury her emotions. Saihara knew a lot about burying emotions. He never knew exactly where she went, but he knew she wasn’t coming back until dawn.

———

Hospitals were another thing Saihara never liked. The monotonous beeping of machines and the smell of alcohol was enough to make someone go crazy. But still, he made an effort to come out and see Shirogane. 

Would he have done it if she never asked? No. 

Did he want to be here? No.

Was he willing to listen to her? Maybe, only time could tell.

His hand rose to the door, ready to tap against the wood, asking to come in. Right before his knuckles made impact, he hesitated. Was he really willing to talk to her, of all people? Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

Just as he was about to turn around, a nurse opened the door.

“Oh, I’m sorry, come in.” She said as she gestured to Saihara to enter the room.

He chuckled slightly to himself before entering. Saihara positioned himself on the opposite end of Shirogane, sitting in the bed. She looked tired, her back was slumped over. Her eyes were half open. Saihara noticed a long scar running from the side of her face to her shoulder.

“Thank you for coming.” Shirogane said, she gestured towards the chair next to the bed. “Take a seat.”

“I’m good.” Saihara said coldly.

“Ok.” She said, slightly surprised. “I asked you to come here today because I wanted for you to hear me out. Listen to my side of the story, please, I want you to understand.”

“Fine.” 

“Thank you. Listen Saihara,” He winced at the sound of his name coming from her mouth. “I know that you don’t want to listen to me. I know that I’m the last person you wanted to see. I know that. Just listen to me. I worked for Team Danganronpa.” She said matter-of-factly, as if he didn’t know. Saihara hated how she talked down to him. “I was an intern, I was randomly picked for the game. In reality, I never planned to be picked to be put in the game. I didn’t really want to either. If I could go back in time I would’ve never accepted the position. I hate myself for that. I hate the fact that you hate me. I wish you could see what I’m going through.” She paused, but Saihara cut into her words right there.

“What you’re going through?! You’ll never understand what I’m going through. You’ll never understand what it’s like to watch all your friends die, and you’re the one who has to investigate it. Everyone else’s lives lie on your shoulders as the final seconds count down. And yet, you still have to condemn one of them to death. Every single one of those executions was my fault. It was I who put the only girl I ever loved in the ground. How am I supposed to sympathize with you when you knew this was happening?! You knew what was happening from the beginning. And to save your own ass you go and you kill Rantaro! And blame it on Aka-“ Saihara chokes on his own words. It was difficult to even say her name at this point.

“Saihara, I’m truly sorry, I wish I didn’t have to be here right now telling you this. I wish every day that that rock actually killed me. I wish that I didn’t have to be here explaining this to you.”

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it when you’re responsible for twelve people’s deaths.” Saihara scoffed.

“I’m not the one responsible, it could be me out of a thousand other people. And yet you’re standing here and it’s me. I’m the ringleader, the mastermind. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I was the one dead, not Akamatsu-san.” 

“We’re done here. I’ve heard you out.” Right before he exits the room, thoughts roll off his tongue that he didn’t even process before he said them. “And if you want yourself dead so badly, do us all a favor and do it.” He slammed the door behind him. 

———

“What did you say to Shirogane?!” Harukawa slammed the door behind her, sending echoes throughout the small apartment. She stomped her way over to Saihara, pinning him against the kitchen wall.

“What was on everyone else’s mind.” He smugly replied.

“Goddamn, do you think before you speak?!” She kicked the wall next to him. He didn’t want to admit it but he was slightly scared of Harukawa, not knowing what she was going to do next. 

“I went, I listened to her, and I don’t believe a word of what she says.” 

“Telling people to kill themselves is ok?!”

“I didn’t say that! I said-“

“You know exactly what you meant.” Harukawa dropped him on the hard tile, storming off to her room and slamming the door shut. 

This time Saihara didn’t feel like apologizing. He meant every word he said. 

———

“It was I who put the only girl I ever loved in the ground.”

Those words Saihara said echoed around in his mind. It was true. He loved Akamatsu. He truly did. Her death replayed itself in his mind. Over and over and over again he saw it. He didn’t want to. Some morbid curiosity kept his eyes fixated to the screen. He wished he stopped. He wished he ran and never came back. What he wouldn’t give for a do over. 

All he wanted was for Akamatsu to live, to be happy. To thrive. He would give his life for hers a million times over again. He understood what Shirogane said about wishing she was the one dead. He felt the same. 

Saihara’s face hit his pillow. He wished he could just fall asleep and never wake up. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to explain himself to Harukawa, or Yumeno. He didn’t want to see Shirogane’s face and he didn’t want to apologize to her. 

Saihara pulled himself out of bed. He made his way over to the bathroom. The medicine cabinet was calling his name. He looked in to find orange prescription bottles from shelf to shelf. He found the one with his name on it.

As he poured the two pills he took into his hand, he thought to himself. How many of these would it take to kill him? How many would it take to send him to sleep and never wake up. Maybe he was slightly jealous of Shirogane, she had the will to live. He didn’t. 

He poured more pills into his hand. Ten, maybe fifteen. He didn’t care. Just something to make this stop. Make it all stop. He didn’t even notice the pills hit his throat as he gulped down sink water.

He went to sleep and prepared to never wake up.

———

“Saihara.” Someone called his name. He knew exactly who it was, despite not being able to see the source of the voice. 

“Akamatsu?” He called out. He looked around to see where he was. The void stretched as far as he could see, only being able to see Akamatsu standing five feet away from him.

“Saihara. Are you really willing to give up this quickly?”

“What?” Her tone and bluntness shocked him.

“For some god forsaken reason you’re alive. Cherish that. Revel in it. You were one of the lucky three. Don’t give up. Make it through, for the rest of us.” 

“I…” Tears started to stream down his face. “I don’t want to continue. I don’t want to be all alone here.”

“You’re not alone, we’re not alone. We’re with you, whether you like it or not.” Akamatsu gave a kind smile. “Your time isn’t over yet. I’ll be with you. Don’t give up yet.”

He tried to dry his face but he was still crying, not knowing if it was happy or sad. “Okay, I promise I will.”

“Thank you, Saihara. This is goodbye, for now. Don’t forget about us.” 

“I… I won’t.”

Saihara practically gave himself whiplash with how hard he hopped out of bed. That might have been the most comforting dream he had in awhile. It was better than the night terrors he was all too familiar with. 

He looked down at his hands. He was alive. By some miracle, he was alive. He knew what he had to do at this point.  
———

“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I am an asshole. I’ve said a lot of things to you, things to others that are way out of pocket. I’m an absolute asshole. I wish I could take it back, I didn’t even know where that came from. I want to just move past it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive you, but right now the scars are too fresh. Regardless I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” Saihara had said this a thousand times to himself but saying it to Shirogane was another story. 

“I understand. I understand people say things they don’t mean. I’ve done that many times myself. I forgive you Saihara, and I hope one day you can forgive me.” She replied, much to his shock. He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t that.

“I… Thank you. I’ll be going now.” 

“Ok, have a good day Saihara.”

He paused. “You too.”


End file.
